Is Your Competitive Mentality Deeper Than You? Here’s How to Start Healing
- The Softest Heart
- Aug 13
- 4 min read
A competitive mindset can subtly shape your life, leading to burnout, strained relationships, and chronic stress. Signs like constant comparison or an inability to relax from a state of "fight or flight" may point to a deeper issue.
In this article, we’ll explore the origins of a competitive mentality, complete a reflective exercise to reframe your perspective, and provide examples regarding how to integrate the insights and start healing.
Article Contents: (Click to be Taken to Section Directly)
A Competitive Mentality Has Many Origins - Is Your Competitive Mentality Deeper Than You?
A competitive mentality can be created by cultural, social, and personal experiences. Let's discuss a few common origins and how they can contribute to an illusionary need to compete.
Cultural Influences: In many cultures, particularly in collectivist societies like those in Asia, individuals are raised to bring honor to their families through achievement. This can create a mindset where being "less than" others—including loved ones—feels like failure.
Pressure to outperform family members can create a lifelong habit of comparison, embedding competition into one’s identity.
Competitive Work Environments: Modern workplaces breed competition through performance-based incentives, promotions, or comparative evaluations. In a turbulent economy, financial stability and mental well-being can feel tied to outperforming colleagues.
When coworkers also adopt this mindset, it creates a cycle of pressure where unhealthy competitive behavior is normalized.
Skewed Definition of Success: Our definitions of success are often shaped by external sources, like media or childhood experiences.
For instance, if you grew up watching award shows on television where only one person wins "best" in their category it could unconsciously drive you to define success through comparison instead of celebrating individual achievements.
Past Relationships: Unhealed pain from past relationships can also fuel a competitive mindset.
For example, if an ex-partner left you for someone else, you might strive to be "better" than others—more attractive, successful, or desirable—in an attempt to reclaim emotional security.
There are many, many more examples. As I worked on healing my own competitive mentality, I remember feeling stunned at how deeply competition was interwoven into almost every aspect of society. No wonder for the sake of my mental, physical, and financial wellbeing I had felt a need to compete!
If you find yourself in a similar position, release guilt. Instead, try working through this reflection when it feels like a competitive mindset is hindering you.
This Reflection Can Help Reduce the Need to Compete
Think about the category of life you feel competitive in. If it's work, a desire to better than other people, a need to feel prettier than other people, whatever it is, just think of that for a second.
Now, try and name one person who is the best at what you want to do, or the prettiest, or whatever it is you thought - who comes to mind from the 1900’s, then the 1910’s, the 1920’s, then the 1930’s.
Does anyone come to mind?
The thing to realize is, this wasn’t very long ago.
Some of us had grandparents who were alive around this timeframe!
When I asked myself these questions I couldn’t name one person. I felt embarrassed when I realized all the things we think we want to outdo other people for - the competitive emotions and desire to "be something" which feel so impactful don’t serve us at all, because they are actually erased.
So the key to healing a competitive mindset is understanding what makes you happy now, and choosing to be competitive with yourself about your mental wellbeing.
Spend time with yourself until you understand your needs.
Ask yourself, "what is the root cause behind the need to compete?"
Your Insights are the Gateway to Long-Term Healing
In my personal experience, I realized things I thought I wanted were actually performative standards I didn’t have to meet. At over 30 years old, I didn’t have a good idea of what my personal happiness could or should look like.
Taking this revelation and pairing it with the origin of my competitive mentality allowed me to begin healing. Applying this framework to the examples I listed above, this could look like:
Cultural Influences: If your family has been the root cause of your competitive mentality, how can you challenge yourself to no longer require their validation? In what ways can you validate yourself so your self-worth is independent of what they think about you versus other members of your family?
Competitive Work Environments: How can you change to see your worth outside of an organizational hierarchy with standards someone literally made up? Think about it - your performance is only as good as your evaluation and the person evaluating you. Who made those rules? Are there other avenues of employment aside from an environment which forces you to compete for advancement or financial gain?
Skewed Definition of Success: If you could erase your past memories, what would the ultimate fulfillment look like to YOU? What would it look like if you could see the people around you who may be competitors, as people with something to teach you?
Pain from Past Relationships: How did past relationship ending(s) impact your self-concept? What would it look like to love yourself if no one needed to choose you? What hobbies and interests would you pursue? Use these outlets to build your self-confidence outside of who you are with in a relationship.
Conclusion:
A competitive mentality can leave you feeling drained and frustrated. Alleviating some of the pressure starts by considering the deeply engrained and normalized origins of a competitive mindset and how insights garnered from this article's reflection transform into long-term healing.
Tell me in the comments below - were you surprised by how much of the world we live in wires us to compete?
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Disclaimer: The article and video above feature a mindset coaching strategy and is not intended to be received as medical advice.
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